There are many forms of trauma. We are aware of the obvious traumas, such as a death of a family member or friend, serving in a war, a physical accident, and so on.
But, an individual can suffer a trauma when they lose a job, are betrayed by someone close to them, are openly humiliated or experience several other emotional upheavals.
Sensitivity to what occurs in our lives and the lives of those around us will enable our community to reach out more often and communicate.
Connecting with a professional that can assist in restoring balance should be the first option.
What Happened To Dating?
Dating has become obsolete as a traditional approach to finding the person that people enter into a relationship with, since most people fall into a monogamous relationship within the first few dates.
As a marriage/relationship counselor and professional life coach, I encounter many couples who began a long term relationship without ever really taking the time to date their partner, allowing each person the opportunity to slowly engage in revealing who they are and their positive and negative characteristics traits, their cultural attitudes, their backgrounds and habits. They may have long discussions about these things, but actually taking the time to have them revealed is quite a different experience with different outcomes.
Dating as a ritual may seem outdated, but the process provides necessary information for each person to determine whether they are actually well suited for a relationship together. It is an important stepping stone.
A few decades ago, young people began group gathering as opposed to individual dating. Groups of friends would gather at the malls, the movie theaters, bowling alleys, skating rinks and other various activity based forums. Some of those people would couple-up and meet with the same group for all the activities and suddenly they would find themselves in a relationship.
Even though people currently meet on-line and go out for a few dates, they also find themselves in a relationship fairly quickly. People who are introduced by friends follow the same pattern and there are reasons for this approach, which are becoming increasingly disturbing. A majority of the people find themselves in a relationship quickly without really taking the months of time that it takes for people to reveal themselves. I don’t use the term “reveal” lightly.
People automatically present the best of themselves to someone when they first interact. This isn’t a game, but an unconscious way of trying to connect with someone. We don’t relax into our complete selves until it feels safe enough to engage on a more comfort driven level and that is different for every person. But, at this point the couple is already established and patterns have been set.
People need the time to date someone without the imperative of finding Mr. or Ms. Right as the immediate goal. The dating process has stages and it requires healthy detachment to afford the clarity to assess the person that they are engaged with.
Working with a professional to learn the process offers advantages that can’t be gained otherwise.
Adult Functionality
Becoming a truly healthy functioning adult is an expectation that many people find near impossible if they have been raised in a dysfunctional family system.
It is estimated that one in three individuals have experienced alcohol, drugs, mental illness, verbal, physical or sexual abuse and co-dependency within their family dynamic in the United States. These odds do not offer much hope for creating children with good self-esteem, self- respect and balanced personalities. As adult children from dysfunction interact in school, relationships and the workforce we can see that they have sustained character traits and behaviors that indicate that they are emotionally children pretending to be adults, or in other words mimicking how they are supposed to act or react situationally.
The desire to become the person that we express on the outside, but rarely feel connected to internally is a process. We need to be able to review our past objectively, heal the child within and overcome the familiars from our families of origin. The need to review the character traits that have allowed us to survive our past and release those traits that no longer serve us is primary in adult functionality.
Working with a professional who has the tools and methods to allow for a sustained growth and lasting change is a brave first step.
How To Spot Addictive Behavior
Addictive Behaviors
Many people are unaware that addiction is multi-faceted or can affect an individual in several ways. Any activity, substance, object or behavior that has become the major focus of a person's life to the exclusion of other activities, or has begun to harm an individual or others physically, mentally or socially is considered an addictive behavior.
Process Addictions
Process Addictions are addictions to activities or processes such as gambling, eating, tanning, video gaming, spending, sex, Internet surfing and work, as opposed to substance addiction like that of alcohol or drugs.
Addictive Personalities
An addictive personality refers to a particular set of personality traits that make an individual predisposed to developing addictions, such as hereditary factors and other traits.
Denial
Addictions and addictive thinking creates a denial system that allows the individual to avoid the truth about their addiction and the harm it is causing to themselves and others in their lives.
Emotional Maturity and Addictions
Statistically, addicts are the emotional age that they began using or acting out and have yet to become functioning adults, and in essence are emotional children/adolescents pretending to be adults. The decisions they make are often that of an emotional child/adolescent attempting to make adult decisions, and are more often than not, self-sabotaging in nature.
Please contact us if you or a family member is dealing with an addiction, because seeking out a professional with a background in addictions is the first step in the recovery process.
There is hope here. Contact us below.
Negativity and Our Behavior
How Does Our Memory Affect Negativity?
Our thoughts and feelings are connected to our unconscious memory. All the negative situations and feelings we have ever experienced go into our subconscious, which creates a negative thought loop. Every time we are challenged by a situation that reminds us, in any way, of a time that the outcome was negative, we repeat the thoughts, feelings and behaviors that we are familiar with.
When we decide we are going to change our behavior with good intention, we can find that our body-mind-subconscious connection works against us to sabotage any change we try to implement.
Is Negativity Fear Based?
Negativity is usually based in fear. We tend to project our fears onto events, requests, interactions or communications with others from our most negatively imagined outcome or past experience. We find ourselves projecting the most fearfully imagined outcome internally and then attach a negative response to the outcome of that situation over and over again.
Negativity also creates a protection to our perceived fears. By imagining the worst case scenario, we subconsciously believe that we are protecting ourselves from that outcome by placing a barrier between us and the situation in advance. The barrier we create is negativity and we truly believe that we are protecting ourselves.
How Can I Overcome Negativity?
What would happen if we perceived the best possible outcome to any situation and refuse to allow the negative thought loop to persuade us otherwise? How would we make that happen? What tools would we use to break free and find freedom? Obtaining freedom from our subconscious repetitive habit and conditioning and creating new outcomes takes willingness. It also requires the guidance of a professional that is invested in our goals.
If you're having trouble with negativity, please contact us for a Free Consultation today. There is hope here.
8 Conscious Communication Tips You Should Learn Now
Conscious communication is a method for talking and listening that is centered around advancing desired connections.
Since most relationship issues are established in communications that are either staggered by expectations, constrained or misconstrued by resentments, the object is to create language and tools, which permits every individual the equality and safety to grow a quality relationship in which key needs are communicated commonly with self-esteem and met through more open understanding.
To give authentically, is to give from a position of general love or kindness, rather than dread or blame or disgrace.
When you express yourself in ways that extends an open heart, especially in moments where you may not "feel" like doing as such, you practice your capacity to gallantly build up the ability to really adore yourself and another.
In conscious communications, your words matter, and your body-talk and activities additionally say a lot, conveying up to 80% of the significance passed on. The eight characteristics beneath, aim to talk in a way that develops and fortifies you and your key connections.
How To Handle Change In Our Life
The one thing that is constant in life is change. As much as we would like stability or strong roots in life with people, work and nature changes occur constantly. We may or may not be effected by those changes, but being prepared for it offers a relief from fear and frustration.
When faced with change we often times try to control the situation and the outcome. If we start by looking at change as an opportunity, we can be guided towards walking through the process with confidence and flexibility.
It is always suggested that we engage with a professional to assist with the changes that occur in our lives to ensure that we use tools that will alleviate fears and anxiety.
Boundaries
People often place themselves in uncomfortable positions by saying yes to anything that is asked of them or they don't know how to take care of themselves in an uncomfortable situation. Often times, when confronted with conflict a person will defeat themselves, because they don't know how to have professional or personal boundaries to alleviate the tension or pressure that is caused by confrontation.
I was once asked to say "no" to anyone and anything that was asked of me for an entire month, even my family. I was asked to say "no" without explanation. So, if someone asked me to help with something, I simply stated that I was sorry, but I was unable to help, but to keep me in mind in the future. Instead of feeling pressured into something and then getting a resentment, I could simply state that I wasn't available.
Professionally, I have been asked to do things that I felt stepped over my personal boundaries and I was grateful that I could say that I wasn't comfortable with that request without explaining myself. I could see the respect level heighten due to my strength of personal boundaries, even in a professional situation.
There are many techniques and tools available to assist people with boundaries. Debra Burnett McKennon, LMC, CPC at CounselingCoach.org looks forward to sharing them with my clients that struggle with self esteem issues, co-dependancy and related issues.
Overcoming Fear
FEAR equals False Evidence Appearing Real.
When confronting fear, we are really confronting many over-exaggerated possibilities. We leap forward to the highest degree of negative outcomes that we can imagine and convince ourselves that we are doomed to experience that most fearful outcome.
There are several techniques that are similar to the tools that have been suggested for anxiety, such as a grounding exercise. Remove yourself to a quiet place and place your feet flat on the ground. Take three very slow breaths (inhale through your nose and exhale out of your mouth) and then wiggle your toes in your shoes and shake out your hands. This will allow you to connect with your body and slow the thought patterns in your mind.
It is suggested that when confronting fear, we should start with the lowest common denominator and address the least fearful outcome of a situation and assume that this outcome could be possible and viable. Then, take each escalating level of negative outcome and ask yourself if this is fear or reality. Give yourself possible positive outcomes that could happen or that you could manufacture to alleviate the situation.
Meditation with a relaxation CD, App or YouTube video are also highly recommended when feeling that fear is beginning to overtake your thought processes.
Often times, fear is directly related to issues from our past, which creates chaos in our daily lives by directing our focus to negative outcomes. If fear and negativity inhibits your ability to have a balanced life, connecting with a counselor to alleviate the issue is suggested.
HOW DOES PAST TRAUMA AFFECT OUR DAILY LIVES
Trauma affects people differently depending on the origins, age and the available support system during and after the occurrence (s).
Some people turn to drugs, alcohol, food or addictive behaviors to numb or forget the trauma. Some people elicit certain personality traits that stem from the trauma such as perfectionism, isolation, inability to maintain relationships, anxiety and depression, obsessive-compulsive rituals or aggression.
Often times these behaviors or a life occurrence may result in an inability to move forward or a need to address the trauma directly. Trauma may also trigger flashbacks and paralyzing panic attacks. Many people affected by trauma aren't aware of the extent that the trauma has on their lives.
When someone finds themselves at a crossroads or recognizes that their life has become unmanageable, it is important to seek out the guidance of a licensed professional. Finding compassion for one's past while being supported in a safe environment is the beginning of healing.
Anxiety
Many people experiencing anxiety have different symptoms and reactions.
It is important to understand that anxiety is an expression of perceived fears. People experience symptoms ranging from elevated heart rate to physical and emotional paralysis. There are many tools that can alleviate symptoms, but it is wise to seek medical assistance in an emergency for more severe effects.
A few techniques to reduce symptoms include meditation, deep breathing, body consciousness such as planting feet firmly on the ground and becoming aware of how each part of your body is feeling in the present moment, listening to music, exercise, identifying the fear and then challenging any irrational beliefs or reactions. Stay present in the moment and reach out to your support system and a licensed professional.
Communicating with Your Partner
Every time that I work with couples during relationship counseling, I notice that the most difficult area of communication comes when each partner is asked to really listen to what the other person is saying. When asked to listen without thinking about how they will respond or defend the other person’s statement or feeling, they find difficulty in really hearing and acknowledging.
In our “Active Listening and Conscious Communication” workshops, really listening is the most challenging of the tools that we encounter. I would ask each of you reading this blog to try this exercise:
Ask your partner to tell you one thing that they find irritating or challenging in the relationship.
Listen without thinking about a response.
Acknowledge by a nod of the head when listening.
Thank the other person for sharing their feelings when they are done.
Ask if you can repeat back what you heard them saying and do so.
Then, and only then, let the other person know how what they said made you feel, but do it without saying you in the statement. Example: That made me feel really sad and a little angry.
Say nothing else and just allow your feelings to be enough for the first conversation.
In a future communication on the same subject, each person can share a single action they could take to find a resolution. That conversation can be no less than 24 hours later.
Let us know how the exercise works and thank you for reading our blog!